Everybody Loves Oprah!

Oprah, Queen of the World

The Worldview, like all civilized people with television access, loves Oprah. Just look at her! What's not to love? She looks pretty hot and regal at the same time in this gown.

Quick quiz: If you're a man, what are you looking at?

Liar.

We all know that Oprah struggles with weight, as many of us do. That's just another reason so many people really love her. She struggles with it. And she's not afraid to admit it. She's not a celebrity, she's a real person who is famous.

So, given Oprah's stature in our world, just what is this cockamamie thing supposed to be?

Well, it ain't Oprah.

For all the effort that apparently went into this, it misses the mark by miles. Let's count the ways:

1. Oprah smiles. She is a font of happiness who lights up the world. The golden idol here is scowling. It looks unhappy, downtrodden, maybe even a little angry. Not Oprah.
2. Oprah's nose is much prettier.
3. The idol has some sort of cranial deformity protruding from the front of the forehead. Oprah's forehead is a smooth, shimmering plain of beautiful, soft skin.
4. The idol's eyes are hooded, suspicious and too close together. Oprah's eyes are open and bright, full of interest, curiosity, caring and understanding. Her eyes are spaced symmetrically wide apart, in line with ancient ideals of beauty.
5. Oprah has fabulous breasts, and the idol has tried to capture this. So, we give this one a pass.
6. The hips. And the spare tire tummy. This is where the real injustice lies. Oprah does not have either of these features. Even when she's going through a heavy period, she gains all over. She is not a pear. Women are very sensitive to this, as the idol's artist must realize. This makes me suspect that something passive-aggressive is going on here. Those are not Oprah's hips or tummy.

So the idol gets a big thumbs down.