Saturday, June 2, 2007

Mitt Romney - King of the Gypsies or Satan?

What's not to like about Mitt Romney? He's tall and soooo handsome. He has a good voice and stands up really straight. He doesn't drink or smoke. The rumor is that he's wicked wicked smart and super-duper rich. I wish my Mom would marry him.

But the negative nellies out there are giving good guy Mitt a hard time.

Mitt is, in case you missed it, running for President. As a republican. Seriously. And he's from Massachusetts, the state that all republicans love to hate. So Mitt, being super-duper smart, is pretending that he's from Michigan. Ah, yes. Good old, midwestern, gun loving, heartland-of-America, car making Michigan. My patriotic cockles are warmed just imagining what it must be like there. Probably lots of American flags and Support the Troops car stickers. Mitt's campaign is claiming that his dad was governor there. Of course, there's no way to verify this because the elder Romney is apparently now dead, and all of our intrepid reporters, having survived Baghdad, don't want to risk going to Detroit to check it out. So, with a good plausible Michigan connection, there's just no republican sense for Mitt to link his bio to Taxachusetts, home of such Democratic sissies as John Kerry, Mike Dukakis, and Ted Kennedy.

Ben Affleck, husband of Jennifer Garner, recently called Mitt a "Ken doll," which I'm taking to be negative. Memo to the pot . . . Hey Ben, he looks like he could be your dad. I wondered briefly if Senor Ben was making a veiled gay reference, our doll Ken having publicly appeared in the past in a pink mesh vest with nothing underneath and a necklace with some sort of rooster ring on it. But that is in the past and Ken has moved on from that phase of his doll life. He's been to doll rehab and is now 100% heterosexual. For now. Ken's just taking it one day at a time as 10 inches of delightfully plastic girl toy. But enough about Ken, we we're talking about Mitt! Tall, handsome, rich, heterosexual Mitt!

Mitt is married with something like five kids. But hold on, gay people are allowed to get married in Massachusetts. Hmmmm. No, I'm still not buying it. Ben Aflac will have to peddle his tawdry rumors to someone else. Why so interested, Ben? Projecting, perhaps? So, enough about creepy, rumor mongering Ben. Back to straight arrow Mitt!

The thing the press wants to discuss about Mitt is that he's a Mormon, which is a religion. Republicans who are part of "the base" like their candidates to be religious, meaning conservative protestant. (Quick fun tip for conspiracy nuts - "al Quaeda" means "the base" in Arabic. Hmmm.) Nobody seems to know what to make of this Mormonism thing. The press, trying to make up some news about this deathly boring republican whiteness contest, runs stories like "Will Mormonism Be An Issue?" Stories about the lack of a story on a non-issue. The hope is that if they keep stirring it up long enough, it will become an issue. Then they'll have some "news" and the reporters who started it can deem themselves experts on this "issue" because of their long time coverage and foresight in recognizing early on that it would "resonate with voters."

People don't seem to know a lot about Mormons. The one thing everbody does know is that Mormons are supposed to live in Utah. So what is Mitt doing living in Massachusetts? Who knew there were Mormons in Mass? Maybe Mitt likes bad weather, or that Ralph Lauren, New Englandy waspy charm. Who knows? It's another riddle of Romney.

But now the Mormon angle is getting some legs. A Florida evangelist preacher, Bill Keller, is calling good ole Mitt, "Satan." Yes, that's right, Satan, aka the Prince of Darkness, El Diablo, Lucifer, Beelzebub, the Morning Star, Pan, Mephistopheles. Take your pick. I'm taking Bible Bill's comments to be negative, too. Even more negative than those of Ken doll Ben, who still claims that he is not gay, even though his wife can kick his ass.

But enough about not-gay Ben! Back to Bible Bill and Michigan Mitt! Why does Bible Bill have a bug in his butt about Michigan Mitt? It's the Mormonism, stupid! Here's the quote from the Florida Sun Times:

Keller, 49, who has a call-in show on a Tampa television station and a Web site called, on May 11 sent out a ``daily devotional'' that called Romney ``an unabashed and proud member of the Mormon cult founded by a murdering polygamist pedophile named Joseph Smith nearly 200 years ago.'' If the former Massachusetts governor wins the GOP nomination and the presidency, Keller's message added, it will ``ultimately lead millions of souls to the eternal flames of hell.''

Ouch. That has to hurt. But the press has to love it. Not even the New York Times could make that stuff up! For a "daily devotional" it's not very uplifting. But I bet Bible Bill got a ton of hits on his website from it. Actually naming the website in the article is probably a little quid pro quo from the reporter in exchange for the interview. I went to it to find out what specific religion Bible Bill is, but I couldn't find it. It says Christian, but the name of the church is Bill Keller Ministries. Gotta love a guy who names a church after himself. Not even Jesus did that. I bet the Kool-Aid is delicious.

At this point I'll interject that I've actually been to Utah and found the Mormons to be notably nice as a group. However, they don't drink, which loses them points in my book. Of course, it was a breakfast meeting. What may be surprising for people who hold religious stereotypes (that's right, I'm talking about you Bible Bill), is that while Mormons are considered very conservative, Utah is also considered one of the most welcoming states for immigrants as well as gay friendly. I'll bet that just makes Bible Bill even madder.

Everyone here is, as usual, missing the real story. Mormon schmormon. That's a red herring.

What's way more intriguing is the possibility that Mitt Romney is a Gypsy. Is the name Romney a derivitive of Romani, the ethnic group also called the Gypsies? It's fun to think so. Also, lots of Gypsies are called Travellers, which fits with Mitt's Michigan - Massachusetts political commuting. Mitt Romney could be our first Gypsy President! And all this time we were worried about the Jews. Speaking of whom, what about Justice Stephen Bryer? Bryer is also a well known Gypsy name. Could it be? Is something afoot? That's two branches of government in Gypsy hands!

Let's dig deeper. Gypsies are believed to have originally come from Egypt, though in their craftiness they claim to come from India. And guess what group is supposed to be safeguarding ancient secret knowledge from pre-Alexandrian Egypt? Ten points if you correctly guessed the Masons! That's right, our conspiracists' favorites, the Freemasons of the Scottish Rite. The same group that includes George Washington, most of the Founding Fathers, Wat Tyler, Jack the Ripper, FDR, and other fun folks. The Masons are descended from the Knights Templar, as is the Yale Skull & Bones Society, another fun mystery group. How cool is that?

The mainstream press aren't the only ones who can stir up a story. Reckon this story has legs? Let's see if Mitt walks like an Egyptian.