Late Random Thoughts

Note to tv newsie editors - Jeremiah Wright is Reallllllly Boooooring. Really.

Why no live footage of the big Marine - Taliban battle in Afghanistan this week? What ever happened to Ashleigh Banfield? She would go. I guess the North Carolina primary is more important.

Why is Slate's web site so slow? I always forget, then remember why I don't read it more often. I'm onto Drudge.

From the I'm Old, Not Dead Department:

So my wife won't think I'm the only weirdo who thinks that Nancy Pelosi is kind of hot, Fancy Nancy comes in at No. 4 on The Hill's list to the 50 Most Beautiful People in Washington, DC our nation's capital. There's something about those Catholic girls.

Sweet Caboose!

Check out this Arab pregnant man.

Pregnant Man Abdullah with Husband Ahkbar and Sister-Wife Condi.

From the Don't Know Whether to Laugh or Cry Department:

"You know, I'm really not interested in policies that are long on rhetoric and short on results. I think the taxpayers, as well as the people we're trying to help, need to know our strategy is well-defined, with clear goals, and we hold people accountable."-- George W. Bush

"No Barney! We're fighting the Moslems, not Mormons!"

What is the government doing by taking all of those Mormon kids away from their mothers? Based on an apparent hoax by a 30 something year old crazy woman, posing as a 16 year old unwilling Mormon bride, the State of Texas has arrested over 400 kids and locked them up in some kind of convention center. Where is the probable cause? Where is the due process? Where are the family values? Where is the freedom of religion?

Not in Texas.

Texas Police Diversity Training Film
Buy it Here!

Talk about state terrorism. You want to terrorize me? Don't threaten to shoot me or electrocute me. Threaten to take my kids away. That's what terrorizes me. That's what is happening in Texas.

It turns out that 5 teenage girls in that renegade Texas Mormon group are either pregnant or have a baby already. That's out of 418 kids (now reported as 435 kids - they can't even count them correctly) the state took into custody. Teen pregnancy! Well, we better hurry up and get the rest of those girls away from their parents and into foster care! Then we know they'll be safe. I'd sure feel secure knowing that my kids were safe in the bosom of the Texas foster care system. Note to literalists - not really.

I Need Foster Care!

What this is really about is that the government has a vendetta against the FLDS leader Warren Jeffs, for forcing young teenage girls into arranged "marriages." Jeffs was convicted of "rape by accomplice" after arranging a religious marriage between a 14 year old girl and her 19 year old cousin. The young groom is now facing charges as well.

Warren Jeffs

That was certainly bad. That's why he's in jail. But what it has to do with the 436 kids taken from their mothers has not been made clear. Nobody has been arrested for anything and not a single child has been alleged to be abused. So what's up?

But onto a group that suffers no police harassment -

More Swinger news!

We continue to keep our ear to the ground for more info about the Swingers alleged to be in our area. Keep in mind that I have no idea if any of this is true.

• Another Secret Swinger Signal - put a box of Tide in your window. Though I'm not sure what happens next.
• Apparently there are a couple of "urban" young men who will "host" a Swinger party at the Swingers' homes. Word is that the guys pair up with the ladies while husbands watch. This one really kind of freaks me out. No word on whether the guys get paid for this. The hosts I mean.
• Reported ATL Swinger neighborhoods include Laurel Springs, Three Chimneys, Windermere, and St. Ives.
• The is an introductory course available online (absolutely free!) for new Swingers at http://www.swingersvillage.net/, apparently hosted by Shannen Doherty.
• I even found a Swinger resort on the internet http://swingermarbella.com/en/about-us/. (I hope it's not true that the IT guys can see everything I do on this PC.)

Random TV Land Observations:

Who is Kimora? She may be a nice person, but in the print ads she looks like a Vegas hooker in that gold dress. And why does she have a tv show?

Love 30 Rock and The Office these days.

I hope James wins Survivor.

Yet More Random Thoughts For Friday

What's up the the Pregnant Man? If he has female reproductive organs, isn't he a woman? I want more details, but I'm kind of afraid to ask. And I definitely don't want to see any photos.

You know, derivatives and swaps really aren't that complicated. They're just new. And they're not even that new. The problems should not be this big. Can't anyone model this?

Anyone who relies on the "genius of the market" is an idiot.

Hillary seems to be getting tired. Plus, I know everyone tells lies, but she tells bad ones. A lot.

Old Chris Rock example of a bad lie, "That's your baby."

The Rape T-Shirts just seem in bad taste to me.

Time shares really are the way to go on vacation if you have kids.

My wife thinks if I mention someone more that once here that I'm "infatuated." So, just to clear the air, I am not infatuated with David Shuster. But, I did notice that he was wearing a black and white pinstripe suit yesterday on Hardball, which, with his nearly black hair and pale complexion, gave a kind of retro black & white look to the whole news segment. Since existentially we know that nothing is a mistake, I can only assume that this b&w theme is meant to convey a subliminal pro-Obama image to viewers.

David Gregory's new show on the Presidential Election, coming out just when everything has gotten realllly boooooring, is OK, but follows the same old format as a dozen other shows. It's not going to turn into another "Nightline." But it's not bad. At least it's better than The McLaughlin Group.

Milton Friedman's philosophy is inherently evil, and should be discarded. Yeah, that's right. I said it.

People's homes should be considered more than a financial asset, and should be treated differently under the law. Why have we forgotten this?

If America is basically just a big, free market, then how does patriotism fit in?

I'm looking forward to seeing Tom Glavine pitch for the Braves again this season. Tom's a 42 year old lefty, who has made the transition from young fastballer to crafty old curveballer. He spent the last 4 years with the Mets, but he's back home now. He's also a native Bay Stater, like yours truly.

The economy seems to be getting better around here. I hope it spreads.

Interesting perspective from an old lady cashier at the Mercedes dealership. She's been there for many years. She says that election years are always slow for Mercedes sales. Grass roots insight! This would make a lot of sense especially for this year. Since we have no incumbent running for re-election, both parties are running on a theme that things are all screwed up and only they can fix them. Well, the base message being that things are all screwed up is bound to influence consumer confidence. Downward. And since we have a consumer driven economy, this has an impact. A negative impact, to be specific. Let's call this the "Old Lady Cashier Effect."

No more news from the Swingers in our neighborhood. Maybe I should start to work out.

So, who won the NCAA Tournament? Is it over yet?

Apparently the LPGA has finally figured out that if they market their hot, straight women, then men will watch them too. Duh. Pretty girls, golf, laying on my couch with a beer. Sounds like a perfect Sunday afternoon plan. I may have to delete The McLaughlin Group from my tivo schedule to make room in my tv schedule.

Speaking of The McLaughlin Group, what happened to Tony Blankley? He's disappeared. Did they figure out he was a Moonie and kick him off? Or did he and Eleanor finally just have a big slapfight and she won? The new blond conservative woman whose name I can't remember is really good. Plus she doesn't interrupt.

Lake Lanier is up 5 feet, but is still 15 feet below normal pool level. So Atlanta should make it through the weekend.

That's all for now.

Swinger's Update

Woo Hoo!

More tidbits of data on the secret Swinger network here in the north Atlanta suburbs.

We've learned of two more ways that Swingers signal each other. Secret Swinger signals include flamingos, not real ones, either plastic ones or pictures of them. No word on color requirements. This disclosure recalled for us that a mid-50ish couple who moved last summer from down the street had a bunch of Flamingos at their moving away yard sale. Hmm.

Why flamingos? Beats me. But I'm studying them for clues.

So far, I've learned that Flamingos are not all necessarily pink, and apparently they come from Las Vegas, the Swinger capital of the world. So, having the Flamingo as the Swinger mascot makes some good sense.

Swinger HQ

Another secret Swinger signal is to decorate the ground around your mailbox post with rocks. This makes sense around here, where rocks are not generally used in decorative landscaping. Typically the small area around your mailbox post will be just grass, or pine straw, or flowers. But not rocks. So, this should leave less room for potential misunderstandings, which could be very awkward given the subject matter.

Well, gee, I'm really sorry dude, but when I saw the rocks around your mailbox I figured it would be cool to sleep with your wife.

Yeah, we've all been there.

One can also decorate the mailbox with additional hints about oneself!

Not-so-subliminal Bragging

So, flamingos and mailbox rocks. Swinger magnets.

One more piece of news. But first to set the scene, we live in a pretty big development of 1,100 homes, broken up into smaller neighborhoods. The neighborhoods are conveniently sorted more or less by "price points," so we all know pretty much how much everyone else's house cost. This is a big point of interest in suburbs generally. Our neighborhood is about the smallest, with 70 houses.

But . . . word is that the Swingers are shunning us. And by "us" I mean our whole little neighborhood. Which is shocking when you consider how incredibly attractive and interesting we are as a group. I feel oddly insulted and hurt, like I've been turned down by a prostitute.

So, why the Swinger snub? Well, it's Bunko's fault. The ladies on our street play Bunko. Bunko, I'm told, is a game that requires only slightly more skill than Deal or No Deal. It is played by suburban women who are looking for a good excuse to get out of the house and drink heavily with their friends. Why they think they need an excuse for that escapes me. And Bunko is not just an activity, it's a league. There are prizes. There's a waiting list to get in. There aren't any playoffs or anything, but there is a lot of gossip. And there's the rub.

The Swingers are afraid of the Bunko gossip. Or at least one is.

As the story goes, from a local Realtor, a woman was looking at a house on our street, but shied away after hearing how the Bunko league worked. Apparently she was "swinging" with a guy on the street, and didn't want his wife to find out. Well! This raises all kinds of questions! I thought that to be a Swinger that you had to do it as a team. Otherwise you're just some horny guy, or chick, trying to get laid. If you're just sleeping with another woman behind your wife's back, that's not swinging, that's cheating, fooling around, getting some on the side, etc.

I am really disappointed in the integrity of our local Swingers. You'd think there would be standards.

Like A Good Neighbor

I'm in the recently "finished" basement of my neighbor Lance on Friday night, drinking cold Sam Adams from a pint glass, freshly poured for the tap of his granite countered bar. It is a sweet set up. The kids are playing Wii bowling on his 50 inch flat screen, and we've just ordered pizza. And I can walk home later when I'm slightly drunk. Another guy neighbor and our wives are also hanging out.

So far, a typical suburban scene. But, tonight, there is big news.

Swingers. In our midst.

Swingers

I've heard whispers in the past, but now the story is fleshing itself out, if you will. Like a slowly spreading urban myth. And, just like an urban myth, you just want to believe it's all true. Because it makes life a little more exciting just to know about it.

So, apparently the Swingers are embedded in little groups throughout our neighborhood, as well as other neighborhoods around our north metro area. Word is that they primarily stick with their own group, or cell, of three or four couples. A kind of Swinger fidelity. But, they can communicate with other Swinger cells by using secret Swinger signals, and possibly websites. There is a whole secret Swinger society out there, and it's active. If you know what I mean.

Tommy Dorsey - The King of Swing

And, we've learned that one of their signals is to walk through Publix with an upside-down pineapple in the grocery cart. So, naturally, my wife and I looked up "upside-down pineapple" and "swingers" on Google when we got home. But all we found were a bunch of recipes for cake. We would obviously not make good Swingers.

But just knowing there are Swingers around kind of feels like being in a night club when I was younger, and knowing there were criminals around. It made the whole scene seem more exciting. But even then I knew that, really, I really just wanted to be in the know, and not directly involved. And while there is still something left of the young doofus inside of me, who thinks it would be great if my wife let me have a bunch of women around who wanted to have sex with me, I know that logistically and hygenically (not to mention ethically), that it's just not for me.

So, my wife and her friends are discussing having one of them go through Publix (Publix!) with an upside-down pineapple, while another surreptitiously videotapes what happens. Just like on 20-20. They're kidding, of course, but I know that my wife would love to really do it. The word is that the Publix near Laurel Springs is a promising Swinger site.

Stay tuned for updates. And be discreet.